Warning to proxies

If you're a proxy in London, get ready for a fight. Timberwolves are planning something big, and it's happening now. 

Safehouse

So I've been in a steady saefhouse for the past few days. Pretty sure it's been about that long. Really nice place, underground. I think it was meant to be some kind of bunker; parts of it are a faraday cage, which is actually pretty irritating. But, beinng underground, and having all the lightbulbs broken, it has no light; suits me down to the ground.
Funny story as to how I found it, actually. Deimos has some people here, coming after me because of his vendetta. they had me on the run, and I found an entrance trying to hide. I figured, I cant keep running, what with my leg, so I'll go to ground.
I'm feeling pretty manic right now, if i didn't know better I'd think I was a little high. nt sure why that is. might just be tings working out in my favour.

So I'd hunkered down in this cellar. there were three of them, and they knew whree I was. That had me worried; never been in a fair fight when I could help it, let alone outnumbered and outgunned. If it hadn't been for the rats and such tipping me off, I don't know what I would've done. Guess I'm a fucking idiot to get myself backed into a corner like that. If i hadn't got ucky I would've died for my stupidity, and ain't that a scary thought. But I didn't. I got down here, and they followed. But in the dark, I got one, and the other shot his friend accidentally and ran off. Trigger happy moron. Doesn't know what it mens to be a proxy; he wasn't even wearing a mask.

I guess I understand why some groups forgo masks. Makes it harder to pose as a proxy, makes you seem more human. hell of a lot easier for people to shoot someone without a face, if they don't have to look them in th eye. But being a proxy means dehumanizing yourself. Being different, not in the same category. He has no need of humans serving Him, just channels for the azoth to flow. Trying to hold onto humanity, trying to be a person? it seems wrong.
Fuck it. probably just lack of sleep talking there. even more rambling and nonsensical than usual.

Update

So Deimos is alive. I thought he was, the bomb was never meant to kill him, just make things more convincing. I don't want him dead. Not sure why, I've done too much to try to take the moral high ground now. He made it to Mosccow, not sure how long ago, with a few proxies. None I recognise from his original team. Might be something happened to them, or he's in charge of more people now. That would make sense; always best to avoid going after somweone with people that know them. leads to hesitation. The original team hesitated, that saved my life once.

They've kept me on he move, one safehouse after another. Pretty much all my things burned when they firebombed one, a while ago. No more tramadol, which sucks pretty bad. No gun, no bombs, no food. Didn't even have time to get my crutch.Got nothing but a few knoves that I had on me before. Fuvk it, Ive burned enough people tht i can't complaibn about the reversal.

I hate this, thouggh. Dpon't speak the language, no money, Can't stop because they're always one step behind. I don't sleep much, but there are limits. I just have to keep pushing through it. Least they'ce slowed down recently. managed to lose them for a while, thts bben good.Lasted all day.

On the leg front, things arent so bad. Even wirhout the crutches, I can get about fairly well. Just need a wall to lean on, chances to sit down. The azoth helps, I think. Keeps iy muted, the pain, I mean. Sometimes I have trouble telling which thoughts are coming from me and which are coming from it. There anyone who knws a psychaitrist who knows about the Fears andisn't a murderous lunatic? Who doesn't mind talking to a murrderous lunatic as well, i guess.Probably not, but thatmight be for the best.
Think I saw Thompson again, but that might have ben a trick of the Light. I hope so.

Can't deal with that again.

My memories are still going. None that I'd want to get rid of,though. Tose always stay. Can't actually re,ember my birthday. During the winter, i think. Doesn't really msatter, does it? 'Coingratulations, you were born'.  and boy did that turn out well.

Survived

Went into a loop. Got shot. Survived.

No really much more tosay. 

Got there in time

So I'm in Moscow. Sanna's with me, she's safe(ish), with any luck we'll be our of dodge by next week.
So, some explaining of what happened. If you want details, go to Sanna's blog. I've never been much good at this stuff.

For reasons I don't intend to get into, Dimir owed me a favour. I cashed it in; he wanted Artsyom dead anyone. Since I could find them (long story how. Might tell it later) we made it thete in good time. Course, I can't walk so well, so I missed the beginning. Got there in time to see Artsyom hightail it out, two of Dimirs men grab Sanna. Well, one was a woman.
That was tense. Wasn't sure if they were planning a betrayal, and that was fucking terrifying. The thought of getting so far just to fail there, at the scene...
So I tried asking them not to, to let her go. Surprised when they did. Maybe in paranoid.

Once she knew who I was, we got to talking. She said, 'do I look like someone who cares about dying?'  Really hit home how bad things were, worse than I thought. I'm worried about you, Sanna. Wish there was something I could say to help, but I'm no good at this. Just, take care of yourself. It's never too late for things to get better, long as you keep going. Things will get better. They have to.

We're at my safehouse now. Not quite the Hilton, but I managed to scavenge up a few things here and there. It'll suffice.

See you soon, Artsyom. 

Still alive

As some of you may have read here, I'm still alive. Faked my death. Thee was a good reason. Might still be a good reason.
The British agency, the AFTF, they have a habit of blackmail. They found out something about me, tried to use it as leverage. So I faked my own death, riled up the timberwolves. Think I managed to burn their file on me, but just in case, anyone sees a bunch of millitary types in Chelmsford, send word. That means you, Clara.
As for the Agency, I need a favour. Found a need to get to Russia, no time to wait around in a hospital bed.

Goodbye

music
I'm sorry. And I'm a liar.

You all seem to think I'm a giod person, that I'm... worthwhile. I'm not. In London, I worked with oathbreakers and timberwolves, lrt them experiment and kill because I needed their help. I've sold runners out to proxies and timberwolves out to rinners, and I've killed inoocent people time and again. thwn o put on a smule, blogged about the good things, played at beinh decent. I'm a fucking fraud. When they broke mu leg, I deserved evry goddamn moment.

The axoth won't let me kill mydelf. Nothing so simple. I sent Deimos my location. This safehouse is full of ebery bomb I have. One way or the other, this ends.

Maybe there's something beyond, with Jeff and Pascal and Jinn. You've got to have hope, right?

Veigar, I owe you so damn much, but I was never coming back from this. Sent everything I could find on Bill. Hope it helps.

Sanna, sorry things ended like this. I know you can get through this, live the life you wanted. Please.

Sam, I left skin cells, blood samples, parts of my diary. Same place as that first book on the cold ones. Might be useful.

Linux, if you're reading this. Good luck.

Goodbye