Right, here is your one stop shop for bad jokes, puns and other such amusements. May God have mercy on our souls.
So, I was going on a drive, as you do, when I had this sudden urge to start knitting. Naturally I had needles and wool, so I set to it. Policeman starts driving alongside me, shouts 'PULL OVER'. I replied 'PAIR OF SOCKS, ACTUALLY'.
Once saw an old man go to a whorehouse. He said to the madam, 'I want a girl for the night'
She asks, 'How old are you?'
'86', He replies.
'86? You've had it!'
'Oh. How much do I owe you?'
I said to my girlfriend, 'You never cry out when you orgasm.' She replied, 'How would you know? You're never there!'
A desperate alcoholic tried drinking varnish when he couldn't get a drink. He came to a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
Way, way back in medieval times, there was a king, who had to leave on business but didn't want to leave his wife at the mercy of his knights. He went to the tinker's shop, and the tinker pulled out a chastity belt, with one flaw; a massive hole in the obvious place.
The king says 'This belt is useless! Won't stop anything!'
So the tinker pulls out a bit of wood, and pushes it through the hole. SNIP, a guillotine flashed across the hole and neatly cut the wood in two. The king is very impressed, and makes his wife wear the belt.
Once he returned from his trip, he lined all the knights up, and made them drop their trousers. All but one was horribly mutilated. He goes to the lucky knight, says that, for his restraint, he may have anything he wants. The knight was speechless.
I'm paranoid, but I have low self-esteem. I think nobody important is out to get me.
Two Goldfish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'
Went to a lawyer just the other day, asked him how much he'd charge for three questions. He said it'd be 450 quid.
'Christ,' I said,'Isn't that a bit much?'
'I suppose it is. What's your third question?'
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking excellent year!
Recently got a new book. 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I'm planning on getting everyone to learn sign language. Seems pretty handy.
Never invest in funeral services. It's a dying industry.
That said, graveyards are a good investment. People are dying to get in.
Calenders are a bad investment. Their days are numbered
Let's talk about left and right. You're right, so I left.
Never make fun of a scotsman's clothes. You can get kilt that way.
Went to that buddhist bakery a few days ago, paid for a baguette with a twenty. 'Well, where's mychange?'
'Change must come from within.'
In the army, they'd decided to cut down on old soldiers with a retirement incentive. They could pick two parts of their bodies, and get a payout based on the distance between the two. Three people were signed up to the scheme, and an inspector went to the first one.
'I'd like the measurement to be from the end of one arm to the other'
The inspector measures the distance, and the soldier got £500.
The next soldier wants it to be from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He gets £700.
Then the inspactor comes to the third soldier.
'And where do-'
'Tip of my cock to my balls, sah.'
So the inspectorgetsout his tapemeasure, and the soldier drops his trousers.
'My god man, where are your balls?'
'Falkland Islands, sir'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are having a pint together, when suddenly three flies drop into their glasses. The Englishman pushes his away in disgust. The Irishman fishes it out, and keeps drinking. The Scotsman pulls the fly out and starts yelling 'Spit it oot, ye thieving wee bastard'
Not that I wish to offend the Scottish. That can get you kilt. (hey, deja vu)
What do you call a bloke who hangs around with musicians? A drummer
(On an unfunny note, being a drummer is difficult. They get a lot more flak than they deserve)
Lepers get a lot of bad press, but you can say this about them; Whenever they visit a prostitute, they always leave a tip.
Went to a lepers hockey match a few weeks ago. Rough lot; there was a face-off in the corner.
Why do elephants wear green felt hats? So they can get across billiards tables unnoticed
Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly? 'Cause if they were small, white, and hard they would be aspirin.
And yeah, that's about it for now. I'll probably add more later.