Awful Awful Jokes

Right, here is your one stop shop for bad jokes, puns and other such amusements. May God have mercy on our souls.

So, I was going on a drive, as you do, when I had this sudden urge to start knitting. Naturally I had needles and wool, so I set to it. Policeman starts driving alongside me, shouts 'PULL OVER'. I replied 'PAIR OF SOCKS, ACTUALLY'.

Once saw an old man go to a whorehouse. He said to the madam, 'I want a girl for the night'
She asks, 'How old are you?'
'86', He replies.
'86? You've had it!'
'Oh. How much do I owe you?'

I said to my girlfriend, 'You never cry out when you orgasm.' She replied, 'How would you know? You're never there!'

A desperate alcoholic tried drinking varnish when he couldn't get a drink. He came to a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

Way, way back in medieval times, there was a king, who had to leave on business but didn't want to leave his wife at the mercy of his knights. He went to the tinker's shop, and the tinker pulled out a chastity belt, with one flaw; a massive hole in the obvious place.
The king says 'This belt is useless! Won't stop anything!'
So the tinker pulls out a bit of wood, and pushes it through the hole. SNIP, a guillotine flashed across the hole and neatly cut the wood in two. The king is very impressed, and makes his wife wear the belt.
Once he returned from his trip, he lined all the knights up, and made them drop their trousers. All but one was horribly mutilated. He goes to the lucky knight, says that, for his restraint, he may have anything he wants. The knight was speechless.

I'm paranoid, but I have low self-esteem. I think nobody important is out to get me.

Two Goldfish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Went to a lawyer just the other day, asked him how much he'd charge for three questions. He said it'd be 450 quid.
'Christ,' I said,'Isn't that a bit much?'
'I suppose it is. What's your third question?'

What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking excellent year!

Recently got a new book. 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

I'm planning on getting everyone to learn sign language. Seems pretty handy.

Never invest in funeral services. It's a dying industry.

That said, graveyards are a good investment. People are dying to get in.

Calenders are a bad investment. Their days are numbered

Let's talk about left and right. You're right, so I left.

Never make fun of a scotsman's clothes. You can get kilt that way.

Went to that buddhist bakery a few days ago, paid for a baguette with a twenty. 'Well, where's mychange?'
'Change must come from within.'

In the army, they'd decided to cut down on old soldiers with a retirement incentive. They could pick two parts of their bodies, and get a payout based on the distance between the two. Three people were signed up to the scheme, and an inspector went to the first one.
'I'd like the measurement to be from the end of one arm to the other'
The inspector measures the distance, and the soldier got £500.
The next soldier wants it to be from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He gets £700.
Then the inspactor comes to the third soldier.
'And where do-'
'Tip of my cock to my balls, sah.'
So the inspectorgetsout his tapemeasure, and the soldier drops his trousers.
'My god man, where are your balls?'
'Falkland Islands, sir'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman  are having a pint together, when suddenly three flies drop into their glasses. The Englishman pushes his away in disgust. The Irishman fishes it out, and keeps drinking. The Scotsman pulls the fly out and starts yelling 'Spit it oot, ye thieving wee bastard'

Not that I wish to offend the Scottish. That can get you kilt. (hey, deja vu)

What do you call a bloke who hangs around with musicians? A drummer
 (On an unfunny note, being a drummer is difficult. They get a lot more flak than they deserve)

Lepers get a lot of bad press, but you can say this about them; Whenever they visit a prostitute, they always leave a tip.

Went to a lepers hockey match a few weeks ago. Rough lot; there was a face-off in the corner.

Why do elephants wear green felt hats? So they can get across billiards tables unnoticed

Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly? 'Cause if they were small, white, and hard they would be aspirin.

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog? One's got pricks on the inside...

And yeah, that's about it for now. I'll probably add more later.


  1. He went into the chemists and said to the elderly woman at the counter "I'll have three condoms, please, miss."

    She said "'Miss'? Don't you 'miss' me!"

    He said "Fine, make it four."

  2. Q: What do you do when Morningstar comes on your doorstep?

    A: Ask him to clean it off.

    1. Inspired by the other thread, opportunities for such jokes can be HARD to COME by.

    2. Yeah, but when they do they can make one TITtter. Morningstar WOOD be far mot intimidating if he didn't invite such puns.

      OK, that was a bit of a stretch.

    3. I have to say, I PINE after a better subject. I SAW your movement to wood, and couldn't LEAF it like that.

  3. Last week a hole was made in the wall of the local nudist camp. Police are looking into it.

    1. And in other headlines, Crack Found on Supermodel.

    2. Also, a man who allegedly beat his rug to death is being held on charges on matricide.

  4. When I was in the army I lost my rifle and had to tell the general. He said "That's fine dear, we just take it out of your pay. That'll be £1000."

    I said, "Thanks. What if I'd lost, say, a jeep?"

    He said, "Yeah same goes, it comes out of your pay."

    "...An rocket launcher?"

    He smiled wryly and nodded.

    "Well no fucking wonder a captain goes down with his ship!"

  5. The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "Make me one with everything".


    People hated the ending of that show Lost, but you have to admit the pilot was terrible.


    A missionary goes to a very remote jungle and speaks to a peaceful native tribe on a platform.

    "It is time," he says, "to accept Christ as your lord and saviour!"

    The natives raise their spears and shout, "Hussanga!"

    "Excellent!" says the missionary, "He died to save your from your sins, and you have agreed to receive His light!"

    They raise their spears again and shout, "Hussanga!"

    Missionary: "And from thereon, you shall know the glory of heaven!"

    Natives: "Hussanga!"

    After finishing his speech, he says quietly to the tribe's leader, "I thank you, God bless you - you guys seemed to agree with all that."

    "Uh, sure," says the leader. "Be careful you don't step in the hussanga when you get off the platform."

  6. SlenderMan goes to Hollywood so he can try out for a lead role in a movie called "Twilight" The casting director says. " Hello, nice to meet you, have a seat if you don't mind. Were really looking for someone who has a dead, emotionless gaze about them......"

    Moments later SlenderMan comes storming out of the building pissed that he didn't get the part, yelling and screaming " Who the hell is Kristen Stewart!? "
    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
    She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

  7. What's the biggest racket in the world? Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.


    If not for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.


    What's the definition of trust? Getting blown by a cannibal.


    "What do you think of sex on the television?"


    How do you find a blind man in a strip club? Well, it's not hard.

    1. Why the heck are there so many jokes about sex?!

    2. It's such a rich subject to joke about. Not to mention it's fundamentally a bit disgusting, so there's that level to it as well.
      Also, loads of people like to have sex with weird things.

    3. Because I'm a childish virgin, that's why there are so many jokes about sex. I do it to cover my lack of appeal, see.

    4. 'Lack of appeal'

      Speaking as an entirely ignorant, unbiased observer, I've seen worse. No offense (people sometimes get offended when I say things like that. Let me know if I did, so I can avoid doing so in future)

    5. I was referring to my face, appearance. Kelevra said he'll kill anyone I fall in love with, so per se it doesn't matter too much, I'm just being mopey.

    6. So was I. Referring to your personality would be pointless, since it's already pretty self evident.

      Also, since Kelevra plans to kill everyone it's probably not worth the bother to remember his death threats. I mean, there're so many of them that he has yet to fulfill, any specific people would be way, way down the list. He's still barely making a dent in us proxies. No offense to those who died to his attacks, hopefully the support that we've been sending from England has been having an impact. Not sure how much longer we can keep it up, worst luck.

    7. Hang about! There's no joke here! To rectify it, have some ascii balls:

  8. A lad comes in late for physics lecture.

    Lecturer: "Where have you been?"

    "Just up Daisy Hill." The lad sits down.

    Another lad comes in late.

    Lecturer: "Where have you been?"

    "On top of Daisy Hill." Lad #2 sits down.

    Finally, a girl comes in late.

    Lecturer, smiling: "And I suppose you've been at Daisy Hill as well?"

    Girl, puzzled: "No, I am Daisy Hill."


    ^ This makes me agree that drummers are amazing.