Guess I should probably update this blog. Air my feelings, get catharsis and all that bullshit. It makes sense to stay in touch, though.
I've been staying in London, with Sanna. It helps both of us, I think, having someone there who wants to help. It's been tough, adjusting to my hand being gone, and just having someone else to turn to has... helped seems like too small a word. Not enough to cover the amount Sanna has done for me. Thank you, Sanna. I don't say that nearly often enough.
Speaking of the hand, it's been rough. Still feels like there's a hand there, which doesn't help. I still look down, sometimes, and think maybe I'll see something, maybe this was all a bad dream and I'll see a hand down there. It's so fucking stupid, but I almost feel disappointed, when I see it. I'm a fucking idiot. It's amazing how much a missing hand can fuck your balance, too. Stops you bandaging yourself up. makes it hard to open bottles, cans. Just these fucking little things, every day, and I just have to deal with it. I'm feeling a little cooped up, in my own body. If that even makes any sense.
I should probably get a prosthetic, but theres something in me that doesn't like the idea. Feels like it'd be making it official, I guess. Having a clumsy false replacement. It's stupid, and irrational, but I still haven't got in touch with anyone. a bit of cowardice, I guess, but isn't that allowable, after so long?
I shouldn't be complaining. I'm still alive, for one. I can still help, still have the resources to rent a place to stay. Have a roof over my head. And I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I'll survive this, and come out the other side.
I've been staying in London, with Sanna. It helps both of us, I think, having someone there who wants to help. It's been tough, adjusting to my hand being gone, and just having someone else to turn to has... helped seems like too small a word. Not enough to cover the amount Sanna has done for me. Thank you, Sanna. I don't say that nearly often enough.
Speaking of the hand, it's been rough. Still feels like there's a hand there, which doesn't help. I still look down, sometimes, and think maybe I'll see something, maybe this was all a bad dream and I'll see a hand down there. It's so fucking stupid, but I almost feel disappointed, when I see it. I'm a fucking idiot. It's amazing how much a missing hand can fuck your balance, too. Stops you bandaging yourself up. makes it hard to open bottles, cans. Just these fucking little things, every day, and I just have to deal with it. I'm feeling a little cooped up, in my own body. If that even makes any sense.
I should probably get a prosthetic, but theres something in me that doesn't like the idea. Feels like it'd be making it official, I guess. Having a clumsy false replacement. It's stupid, and irrational, but I still haven't got in touch with anyone. a bit of cowardice, I guess, but isn't that allowable, after so long?
I shouldn't be complaining. I'm still alive, for one. I can still help, still have the resources to rent a place to stay. Have a roof over my head. And I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I'll survive this, and come out the other side.
Losing limbs/hands has been my greatest fear, for a very long time. So sorry.
ReplyDeleteHow did you lose it?
Not much of a story, I'm afraid. Timberwolf jumped me when I was looking for someplace to stay, caught me in the hand with an axe. There was something on the blade that stopped me healing, fucked with my mind. I cut it off because I thought i would die otherwise.
DeleteIf you ever do want a prosthetic, feel free to contact me.
ReplyDeleteI may take you up on that someday. Thank you.
DeleteNo worries. ^^
DeleteNo point in avoiding it, just treat the wound.
ReplyDeleteI know I should, but… I really don't know why, but there's a part of me that shies away from the idea. It's irrational, and fucking stupid, but it's something i have to deal with.
DeleteNo need to be so harsh on yourself.
DeleteThat's OK. I don't thank you often enough for putting up with me. So thanks ;)
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure :)
Deleteyou were brave lovett, i know how you feel, even if what i lost was just a stupid eye.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess I know how you feel. When I had lost my arm, every single person that I passed by in the hospital was trying to help. It eventually got to the point where I wanted to just slap everyone but couldn't because of not having balance.
ReplyDeleteI hope it's not your dominant hand, is it?
No. Since I lost fingers on it before, I've already had to get used to using my left hand for pretty much everything.
DeleteThank god for small blessings, I guess.
That's always the best thing to do: count your blessings and move on with the day.
DeleteHey, can we talk? Privately, please
ReplyDeleteyeah, send me an email.
Delete