25/10/2014

Met Sanna

So I went ahead and met with Sanna. Yes, that is the one who wants to kill me, and probably has the best chance of pulling it off. What's life without a little danger?

BORING. I went because I was expecting some kind of ambush or trap or something, but there was nothing. We went for a walk, talked about very little of import. Hell, I was even reasonably honest about stuff. But the walking and talking is more Lovett's thing; I don't see the appeal of answering a bunch of questions. Unsatisfying, stripping away the mystery like that. Like showing people how Houdini hid the elephant; It just misses the point. Why is it you people are so concerned with understanding? Do you think it'll help you survive?

She threw a knife at me. In my general direction, anyway. Still not sure why she's throw away what looked like her only weapon. People are odd, sometimes. Too much emotion, wastes energy and makes you do weird stuff. I won't even bother pretending to understand it, myself. Guess I have a better perspective, looking in from the outside. I can see stuff that you people do that's just weird, but that same perspective stops it from being understandable.

I'm rambling. Point is, I saw Sanna, had a friendly chat, killed a doctor, and all in all, it was a pretty good day.

A

202 comments:

  1. I don't have the best chance of pulling it off. I have certainty.

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    1. yeah, but you won't ttry it until you really believe Lovett's gone. Who knows how long that'll take?
      And how do you intend to kill me, and not just the body?

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    2. Something, something, mystery. I think you underestimate how much I obsess over details.

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    3. Bearing in mind I remember living with you for the last few weeks?
      I know you obsess over details. That won't help if you don't know the right people.
      Why do you even want to kill me?

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    4. I don't want to get into it. Although I am slightly paranoid about whatever observations you've made while living with me?

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    5. You 'don't want to get onto it'? Seems to me you don't have a reason. Having spoken to me, am I such a bad guy?

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    6. That's not what I meant.

      But go on, sell yourself, tell me why you're not a bad guy.

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    7. I don't kill people who don't deserve it. I don't rape. I don't have any prejudices about race or gender, because chances are I've been that race/gender. I don't drink or smoke. Hell, I'm almost a model citizen!
      Your turn.

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    8. You smoke... I literally saw you smoke... What else you lying about?

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    9. In that particular paragraph? Just the smoking bit. I figured you wouldn't bother reading it, well done you, proving me wrong!
      Oh wait, I did kill Lovett. Sure, he deserved it towards the end, but not when I started.

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    10. And when you say "your turn", does that mean you want to kill me?

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    11. No, if I wanted to kill you I'd have tried something already. Your turn to convince me you're not a bad guy. Or girl, but 'bad girl' sounds weird.

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    12. Nothing to say here; I am a bad girl.

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    13. So the question is why you think you deserve to live and I deserve to die?

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    14. Because you ruined my friend's life.

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    15. I had no choice! You don't blame a spear for killing someone, you blame the one holding it.
      And you really think he was your friend? Feel lucky you never spent time inside his head.

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    16. The thing you have to remember is Lovett hated himself. Blamed himself for everything I did, and topped it off by doing some shitty things himself. So he punished himself, tried to get himself killed. You were just another form of punishment, with him holding himself responsible for everything that happened to you. Did he like you? I don't know. But I doubt it.

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    17. He hated himself for everything you did, huh? So it'd be fair to say that you... may have... ruined.....

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    18. Maybe. But I never made him a proxy, or forced him to work with the timberwolves, or convinced him to hand people over to the oathbreakers. That was all him.
      M

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    19. I didn't know he handed anyone over to the mean doctors.

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    20. He didn't tell you? almost as if he doesn't trust you.

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    21. In all fairness, I wouldn't have received the news well, that would have been grounds to up and leave.

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    22. I meant leave the general household.

      If it was such torture, why'd he want me around?

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    23. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure it was self-flagellation. Dude was a masochist.

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    24. I'm well aware he was a complete masochist.

      Ideally, what do you want me to do?

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    25. Redrain from trying to kill me? That'd be a start, anyway.

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    26. I haven't made any attempts on your life. Had I intended that knife to hit you, it would have.

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    27. But you were saying that you plan to kill me.

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    28. I remember you as a sadistic cannibal. Of course I was planning to kill you. Bad girl and all that shit.

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    29. Can I just interject here? There's no way that you can be a 'decent guy' or anything similar. That doesn't exist in this lifestyle.

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    30. Just because you can't go a week without selling your soul to whichever fear seems willing doesn't make it impossible to be a decent person, just impossible for you.
      A

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    31. Firstly, you missed my point. Secondly, I'm not gonna take that bait.

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    32. Stop trying to agitate him, Craft. I think he's right.

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  2. Why are we concerned with understanding? Human nature, I guess. You are the one who spent the majority of his time in a human body, you tell us why.

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    1. No fucking idea. If it is human nature, humans are crazy.

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    2. Me asking you a question is goddamn reason enough to answer it, Craft.

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    3. Pretty sure I didn't, though.
      L

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    4. *did. Why do you sometimes finish a comment with a letter under it?

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    5. M, then A, then L. Which is the Spanish world for bad. And French word for bad. And is the Romanian word for shore (well, sort of a shore.)

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    6. I do that on a whim. I'n fucking whimsical; does everything have to have a meaning with you people?

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    7. So, you wouldn't mind if I did the same then?
      I

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    8. You're so dope they wanna f..... read into your comments. So heroin, so cocaine, so ketamine, promethazine, so X, so thorazine, so morphine, so dope that they wanna see hidden meanings.

      Now that song's in my head. God, it's so nasty but so catchy. AUGGH.

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    9. What is it that goes through your head?

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    10. Omg shards always trying to understand me like that'll change anything maybe I just do stuff on a whim can't u accept that

      Yeah. Not so nice when it's said to you, eh?

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    11. Maybe I'm trying to get in touch with my human side? And don't try to turn my arguments back on me. It's self-defeating in the worst possible way.
      V

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    12. Maybe I'm trying to get in touch with my shard side.

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    13. By speaking in non-sequiters?

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    14. I'm an anti-guerrilla-gardening debater. I only speak in non-secateurs

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    15. As opposed tospeaking in secateurs, I assume?
      E

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    16. I shouldn't be talking to you while drunk lol. Never turn up here when I'm drunk please.

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    17. No promises; you're fun when you're drunk.

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    18. Nooooo. I'm not a fun drunk. Im a chatty drunk. I'll just talk about literally anything and laugh at everything and do a rap and do so many gardening puns I dig myself into a hole I can't get out of

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    19. Wow. That sounds incredibly irritating. Like, irritating enough to strain credulity.

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    20. I thought alcohol increased credulity. At least for the shitfaced one

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    21. Yeah, but I don't get drunk. Almost enough to make me regret getting involved with azoth.

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    22. Credulity is not a good thing, and I've always been accused of having it.

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    23. Yeah, but getting drunk is one of life's few legal pleasures.
      And I wouldn't say you have a lot of credulity. Not when the word naïve is right there.

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    24. I don't find it pleasurable lol all it means is my behaviour spirals out of my control and I get physically and emotionally weaker in a strange reflection of my life. Lmao

      I implicitly believe you all when you say I'm naive.

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    25. Then why do you get drunk?
      And did you really have to make your implicit belief explicit like that?
      A

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    26. Uhh for the positive feelings and nostalgia and I had a friend who did it and because I like to forget there's such a thing as tomorrow.

      The other definition of implicit. The one about naïveté.

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    27. See? I'm a terribly unfunny drunk.

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    28. You're really hung up on him, aren't you?

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    29. He was my friend. Look up the five stages of grief, please.

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    30. I get drunk ONCE and you're making assumptions about my health. Mmkay.

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    31. I still remember the last time you got drunk, and I had to find that arse Schade, or whatever his name was.

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    32. I remember it too. That's when I met my dad. 'Last time you got drunk, you met your dad' is the most compelling argument not to drink, actually. Good job I don't have another dad to spare.

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    33. So the plan is to ignore them and hope they go away?
      Genius.

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    34. I know you did. Why should I?

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    35. Is it because it reminds you of how you got raped?

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    36. So yes? Why didn't you just say so?
      L

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    37. Yeah, but you didn't give a reason.

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    38. I'm really sorry I misled you then.

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    39. By not saying what the problem was. I just can't stand it

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    40. If you can't move on, how do you intend to get revenge?

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    41. I would like nothing more than to move on and get revenge. But I have a meltdown at the prospect of ever seeing Him again.

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    42. Which is why you need to move on.

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    43. Or you could show some finer points of your personality and leave her alone, Craft.

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    44. I don't choose to feel like this.

      You think I don't try and move on?

      You think I don't try to face it?

      I face it. All I see is... every action I take is governed by fear. Because I. Couldn't. Deal. Couldn't fight hard enough, couldn't say no enough times for them to hear me, had no control over me.

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    45. 'Had no control over me'
      Are you a body or a mind?

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    46. Because. I didn't want to panic. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop any of it. Hyperventilating. Because I couldn't control what was happening to me. None of it. I tried to think of being somewhere else. I tried to think of when I was a little girl and used to play on the swingset at the park near my house. Swinging, swinging, swinging, in the spring and the butterflies and my friends. But then. A slap in the face. Back to reality. I was still crying. I couldn't stop. It didn't matter what they told me or what I told myself. I had no control over it. I started to pass out. Still no control... not even when I woke up it just doesn't end for me no control over what was HAPPENING and I HATE IT I HATE THEM

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    47. You hate them? Then fucking act. Nobody else sorry going to do anything about it, is there?

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    48. don't pretend for a FUCKING SECOND that it's that fucking simple.

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    49. Why not? What's so fucking complicated about it?

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    50. You can't tell someone who's been through something like that to 'get over it.' That'd be like us asking you to stop being so damn stupid. It isn't possible.

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    51. because I'M A FUCKING MESS NOW ARENT I

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    52. You are. And you know who can help you with that? YOU. Because there isn't anyone else out there.

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    53. can I have some FUCKING TIME?

      guess what? more than anything, i want a break, I WANT SOME FUCKING PEACE. I don't want to think about these people i don't i don't i can't

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    54. You're not a mess. You're reaction was and is perfectly normal. If you had tried to do more like some people claim you should, you'd probably be dead now

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    55. And how much time do you have? They aren't waiting around for you to recover, are they, and they don't give a shit about if you want to think about them. There will be time to mourn, but not when you've got people after you.

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    56. Im not CHOOSING to "mourn". for the last fucking time......

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    57. It's your mind. You're the one who thinks what you think, so think differently.

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    58. you're making it so much fucking worse with your unchecked ignorance please fucking stop

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    59. Oh, I'm ignorant? Then why not EXPLAIN why I'm wrong. Cut the crap, skirting around the issue, and just fucking speak straight.

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    60. you'll never understand. you arent human.

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    61. Something I'm more and more grateful for every day.

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    62. don't get me wrong. I want to feel better, i want to slash them open and tear out their heart with my bare hands, the way they took mine. i want to kill them the way THEY KILLED ME, except I will be superior in the sense I WILL FINISH THE FUCKING JOB. i want to drag their souls directly and painfully out of their bodies like they did to me.

      but i need to heal first. you really think I could run in there like the fucking mess i am now and get it done? NO SIR. NO I COULD NOT

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    63. The line between stoping to recover and hiding from the fight is pretty damn thin, though.

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    64. and you would know this how?

      oh wait

      you don't

      it's only too thin when you want to see a fucking show

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    65. I know because Lovett thought he had time to hide and recover. Funny how that worked out.

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    66. I like to think of it as a team effort.

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    67. Think of it however you want. if you learn one thing about humans, make it this: they're not all the same. Lovett and I have different experiences.

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    68. *had

      And sure, there're differences, but far more commonalities, I reckon.

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    69. doesn't change that Lovett and I are completely different people and different shit happened to us.

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    70. *were. Seriously, what'll it take for you to accept that he's dead?

      And there are superficial differences, but at the core? I doubt there's that much

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    71. you couldn't describe me if you tried.

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    72. That blondish girl who works at a bar, I could give you the address if you want but it's kind of a dive. She's been raped a couple of times, and she's kind of broken by that. Daddy issues out the wazoo, fairly justified because her dad is an arse, and so was her stepdad. Same basic morals as most people, which kinda fucks her over because she has a bad habit of killing people.
      Uhh, she has an interest in the culture and language of Romania because of her mother, although not enough to avoid the Moldovan millitary, so thanks for that, Sanna.
      Need I go on?

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    73. I'm not that blonde... I would say I'm brunette. Blonde on the inside, maybe.

      I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them "daddy issues". I'd appreciate it a lot.

      My mother is Moldovan, not Romanian.

      Sure, keep going.

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    74. You're somewhat blonde. Blondish.

      And you did have issues with your father. Isn't that was the phrase 'daddy issues' was coined for?

      And if your mum was Moldovan, you have even less excuse for screwing up on translation.

      As for keeping going...
      She has either one or two toes missing, She tends to react top bad stuff far, far less as long as it doesn't happen to her, Altyhough when she does act on her conscience it's, ironically enough, because of thoughts for dead people's families.
      She's also crazy naive, and possibly a bullet from the Archangel's gun in her. Her eyes are a tad distracting.

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    75. Are you kidding? I grew up speaking English... And my mamas family spoke more Russian than Romanian.

      How the hell are my eyes distracting?

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    76. *shrug*
      /that was just something I picked up on sharing a headspace with Lovett, don't ask me for the reason behind it.

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    77. Well, what do you think? I'm confused.

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    78. My working theory is that Lovett was fucking weird. Who knows? Maybe he got distracted by eyes or something. Envy or whatever.
      V

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    79. As above, albeit with different injuries and family issues. Also, scratch the morals, but that was the product of a lot of hard work.
      Also a sadomasochist. That, I can only take partial credit for.

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    80. When you put letters at the end of comments, is it something else trying to talk?

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    81. Yes. These are the last words of Lord Ramsay, the monosyllabic 13th Earl of Dalhousie :)
      Seriously though, I wouldn't read too much into it.

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    82. I maintain that Lovett and I were very different. Different enough that I didn't quite know where I stood with him.

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    83. Hard to gauge if we were friends at all, or sorta friends, or good friends, or best friends.

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    84. Isn't that what you think of him?

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    85. I meant I had no idea if he secretly hated me.

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    86. What gave you that impression?

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    87. What you said earlier. But also I was just never sure.

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    88. The whole 'self-flagellation' thing? right.
      Good for you noticing before. Very insightfil. Good job.

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    89. Then why place a random E somewhere if you ain't gonna do shit with it? Maybe I'll post random letters.

      Ж

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    90. Nah, that'd be a waste of energy. If needs be I can block the pain and keep it functional anyway.

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    91. Are you colourblind? Can you tell what colour my hair is?

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    92. The way I see colours is pretty fucked up, 'cause of the azoth. Kinda hard to tell which colour is which. I'd say you hair is blueish now, but I'm not sure.

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    93. My hair looks brown to me. Sorry to make you look at my face.

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    94. Hey, it could be worse. Trust me on that one.

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    95. Hang on. Hang on. If Lovetts dead, how do I break this to his girlfriend? I swear he had one.

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    96. I wouldn't worry. Last time they met she stabbed him, I guess she won't be terribly torn up.

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    97. She thinks he betrayed her, and the other proxies in her group, to the Timberwolves.

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    98. Nah. But since when has that mattered?

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    99. I mean Lovett's done some shitty stuff. I've done shitty stuff through him. But the stuff people hate him for tends to be stuff he hasn't done.

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    100. I feel obliged to tell her but last I remember she wants to capture or kill me.

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    101. -.-
      I meant you can email her. To tell her Lovett's dead.

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    102. You already lost Lovett's laptop?

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    103. Oh yeah. I guess I have all his contacts now. Cool.

      Also, haha; I have the laptop and you don't ;) <3

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    104. Yeah, you should probably give me the laptop.

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    105. I'm as close as you'll get to Lovett. If that laptop belongs to anyone, it belongs to me.

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    106. I have nothing to lose if I keep it.

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    107. There's material on that thing people would kill for.

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    108. I should clarify; There's material on that thing people would kill you for.

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    109. And you don't see why keeping it would be a bad thing?

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    110. If it's so important, I'll keep it.

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    111. Don't see how it's important to you, though. Aren't you still using the 'grace' account, anyway?

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    112. Timberwolves watch me. It's nice to watch them for a change.

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