So I went ahead and met with Sanna. Yes, that is the one who wants to kill me, and probably has the best chance of pulling it off. What's life without a little danger?
BORING. I went because I was expecting some kind of ambush or trap or something, but there was nothing. We went for a walk, talked about very little of import. Hell, I was even reasonably honest about stuff. But the walking and talking is more Lovett's thing; I don't see the appeal of answering a bunch of questions. Unsatisfying, stripping away the mystery like that. Like showing people how Houdini hid the elephant; It just misses the point. Why is it you people are so concerned with understanding? Do you think it'll help you survive?
She threw a knife at me. In my general direction, anyway. Still not sure why she's throw away what looked like her only weapon. People are odd, sometimes. Too much emotion, wastes energy and makes you do weird stuff. I won't even bother pretending to understand it, myself. Guess I have a better perspective, looking in from the outside. I can see stuff that you people do that's just weird, but that same perspective stops it from being understandable.
I'm rambling. Point is, I saw Sanna, had a friendly chat, killed a doctor, and all in all, it was a pretty good day.
A
I don't have the best chance of pulling it off. I have certainty.
ReplyDeleteyeah, but you won't ttry it until you really believe Lovett's gone. Who knows how long that'll take?
DeleteAnd how do you intend to kill me, and not just the body?
Something, something, mystery. I think you underestimate how much I obsess over details.
DeleteBearing in mind I remember living with you for the last few weeks?
DeleteI know you obsess over details. That won't help if you don't know the right people.
Why do you even want to kill me?
I don't want to get into it. Although I am slightly paranoid about whatever observations you've made while living with me?
DeleteYou 'don't want to get onto it'? Seems to me you don't have a reason. Having spoken to me, am I such a bad guy?
DeleteThat's not what I meant.
DeleteBut go on, sell yourself, tell me why you're not a bad guy.
I don't kill people who don't deserve it. I don't rape. I don't have any prejudices about race or gender, because chances are I've been that race/gender. I don't drink or smoke. Hell, I'm almost a model citizen!
DeleteYour turn.
You smoke... I literally saw you smoke... What else you lying about?
DeleteIn that particular paragraph? Just the smoking bit. I figured you wouldn't bother reading it, well done you, proving me wrong!
DeleteOh wait, I did kill Lovett. Sure, he deserved it towards the end, but not when I started.
And when you say "your turn", does that mean you want to kill me?
DeleteNo, if I wanted to kill you I'd have tried something already. Your turn to convince me you're not a bad guy. Or girl, but 'bad girl' sounds weird.
DeleteNothing to say here; I am a bad girl.
DeleteSo the question is why you think you deserve to live and I deserve to die?
DeleteBecause you ruined my friend's life.
DeleteI had no choice! You don't blame a spear for killing someone, you blame the one holding it.
DeleteAnd you really think he was your friend? Feel lucky you never spent time inside his head.
Elaborate.
DeleteYou sure you want me to do that?
DeletePositive.
DeleteThe thing you have to remember is Lovett hated himself. Blamed himself for everything I did, and topped it off by doing some shitty things himself. So he punished himself, tried to get himself killed. You were just another form of punishment, with him holding himself responsible for everything that happened to you. Did he like you? I don't know. But I doubt it.
DeleteHe hated himself for everything you did, huh? So it'd be fair to say that you... may have... ruined.....
DeleteMaybe. But I never made him a proxy, or forced him to work with the timberwolves, or convinced him to hand people over to the oathbreakers. That was all him.
DeleteM
I didn't know he handed anyone over to the mean doctors.
DeleteHe didn't tell you? almost as if he doesn't trust you.
DeleteIn all fairness, I wouldn't have received the news well, that would have been grounds to up and leave.
DeleteSo why don't you?
DeleteI meant leave the general household.
DeleteIf it was such torture, why'd he want me around?
I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure it was self-flagellation. Dude was a masochist.
DeleteI'm well aware he was a complete masochist.
DeleteIdeally, what do you want me to do?
Redrain from trying to kill me? That'd be a start, anyway.
DeleteI haven't made any attempts on your life. Had I intended that knife to hit you, it would have.
DeleteBut you were saying that you plan to kill me.
DeleteI remember you as a sadistic cannibal. Of course I was planning to kill you. Bad girl and all that shit.
DeleteCan I just interject here? There's no way that you can be a 'decent guy' or anything similar. That doesn't exist in this lifestyle.
DeleteJust because you can't go a week without selling your soul to whichever fear seems willing doesn't make it impossible to be a decent person, just impossible for you.
DeleteA
Firstly, you missed my point. Secondly, I'm not gonna take that bait.
DeleteStop trying to agitate him, Craft. I think he's right.
DeleteWhy are we concerned with understanding? Human nature, I guess. You are the one who spent the majority of his time in a human body, you tell us why.
ReplyDeleteNo fucking idea. If it is human nature, humans are crazy.
DeleteMe asking you a question is goddamn reason enough to answer it, Craft.
DeleteEh.
DeleteYou misspelled "Yeah".
DeletePretty sure I didn't, though.
DeleteL
*did. Why do you sometimes finish a comment with a letter under it?
DeleteWhat?
DeleteThe ''A's'' and the ''L's''...
DeleteM, then A, then L. Which is the Spanish world for bad. And French word for bad. And is the Romanian word for shore (well, sort of a shore.)
DeleteI do that on a whim. I'n fucking whimsical; does everything have to have a meaning with you people?
DeleteSo, you wouldn't mind if I did the same then?
DeleteI
You're so dope they wanna f..... read into your comments. So heroin, so cocaine, so ketamine, promethazine, so X, so thorazine, so morphine, so dope that they wanna see hidden meanings.
DeleteNow that song's in my head. God, it's so nasty but so catchy. AUGGH.
Do I even want to ask?
DeleteAsk what?
DeleteWhat is it that goes through your head?
DeleteOmg shards always trying to understand me like that'll change anything maybe I just do stuff on a whim can't u accept that
DeleteYeah. Not so nice when it's said to you, eh?
Maybe I'm trying to get in touch with my human side? And don't try to turn my arguments back on me. It's self-defeating in the worst possible way.
DeleteV
Maybe I'm trying to get in touch with my shard side.
DeleteBy speaking in non-sequiters?
DeleteI'm an anti-guerrilla-gardening debater. I only speak in non-secateurs
DeleteAs opposed tospeaking in secateurs, I assume?
DeleteE
I shouldn't be talking to you while drunk lol. Never turn up here when I'm drunk please.
DeleteNo promises; you're fun when you're drunk.
DeleteNooooo. I'm not a fun drunk. Im a chatty drunk. I'll just talk about literally anything and laugh at everything and do a rap and do so many gardening puns I dig myself into a hole I can't get out of
DeleteWow. That sounds incredibly irritating. Like, irritating enough to strain credulity.
DeleteI thought alcohol increased credulity. At least for the shitfaced one
DeleteYeah, but I don't get drunk. Almost enough to make me regret getting involved with azoth.
DeleteCredulity is not a good thing, and I've always been accused of having it.
DeleteYeah, but getting drunk is one of life's few legal pleasures.
DeleteAnd I wouldn't say you have a lot of credulity. Not when the word naïve is right there.
I don't find it pleasurable lol all it means is my behaviour spirals out of my control and I get physically and emotionally weaker in a strange reflection of my life. Lmao
DeleteI implicitly believe you all when you say I'm naive.
Then why do you get drunk?
DeleteAnd did you really have to make your implicit belief explicit like that?
A
Uhh for the positive feelings and nostalgia and I had a friend who did it and because I like to forget there's such a thing as tomorrow.
DeleteThe other definition of implicit. The one about naïveté.
Who?
DeleteLovett.
DeleteAh.
DeleteSee? I'm a terribly unfunny drunk.
DeleteYou're really hung up on him, aren't you?
DeleteHe was my friend. Look up the five stages of grief, please.
DeleteWhich stage is getting drunk?
DeleteM
About half past six.
DeleteDoesn't sound healthy.
DeleteI get drunk ONCE and you're making assumptions about my health. Mmkay.
DeleteI still remember the last time you got drunk, and I had to find that arse Schade, or whatever his name was.
DeleteI remember it too. That's when I met my dad. 'Last time you got drunk, you met your dad' is the most compelling argument not to drink, actually. Good job I don't have another dad to spare.
DeleteShame about your dad's friends.
DeleteA
Please don't.
DeleteSo the plan is to ignore them and hope they go away?
DeleteGenius.
I said please don't.
DeleteI know you did. Why should I?
DeletePlease please please.
DeleteWhy?
DeleteI dont wanna talk about then
DeleteIs it because it reminds you of how you got raped?
Deleteshut UP
DeleteSo yes? Why didn't you just say so?
DeleteL
I already said don't.
DeleteYeah, but you didn't give a reason.
DeleteI'm really sorry I misled you then.
DeleteMisled me?
DeleteI
By not saying what the problem was. I just can't stand it
DeleteIf you can't move on, how do you intend to get revenge?
DeleteI would like nothing more than to move on and get revenge. But I have a meltdown at the prospect of ever seeing Him again.
DeleteWhich is why you need to move on.
DeleteOr you could show some finer points of your personality and leave her alone, Craft.
DeleteI don't choose to feel like this.
DeleteYou think I don't try and move on?
You think I don't try to face it?
I face it. All I see is... every action I take is governed by fear. Because I. Couldn't. Deal. Couldn't fight hard enough, couldn't say no enough times for them to hear me, had no control over me.
'Had no control over me'
DeleteAre you a body or a mind?
Because. I didn't want to panic. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop any of it. Hyperventilating. Because I couldn't control what was happening to me. None of it. I tried to think of being somewhere else. I tried to think of when I was a little girl and used to play on the swingset at the park near my house. Swinging, swinging, swinging, in the spring and the butterflies and my friends. But then. A slap in the face. Back to reality. I was still crying. I couldn't stop. It didn't matter what they told me or what I told myself. I had no control over it. I started to pass out. Still no control... not even when I woke up it just doesn't end for me no control over what was HAPPENING and I HATE IT I HATE THEM
DeleteYou hate them? Then fucking act. Nobody else sorry going to do anything about it, is there?
Deletedon't pretend for a FUCKING SECOND that it's that fucking simple.
DeleteWHY THE FUCK NOT?
DeleteBecause it's not.
DeleteWhy not? What's so fucking complicated about it?
DeleteYou can't tell someone who's been through something like that to 'get over it.' That'd be like us asking you to stop being so damn stupid. It isn't possible.
Deletebecause I'M A FUCKING MESS NOW ARENT I
DeleteYou are. And you know who can help you with that? YOU. Because there isn't anyone else out there.
Deletecan I have some FUCKING TIME?
Deleteguess what? more than anything, i want a break, I WANT SOME FUCKING PEACE. I don't want to think about these people i don't i don't i can't
You're not a mess. You're reaction was and is perfectly normal. If you had tried to do more like some people claim you should, you'd probably be dead now
DeleteAnd how much time do you have? They aren't waiting around for you to recover, are they, and they don't give a shit about if you want to think about them. There will be time to mourn, but not when you've got people after you.
DeleteIm not CHOOSING to "mourn". for the last fucking time......
DeleteIt's your mind. You're the one who thinks what you think, so think differently.
Deleteyou're making it so much fucking worse with your unchecked ignorance please fucking stop
DeleteOh, I'm ignorant? Then why not EXPLAIN why I'm wrong. Cut the crap, skirting around the issue, and just fucking speak straight.
Deleteyou'll never understand. you arent human.
DeleteSomething I'm more and more grateful for every day.
Deletedon't get me wrong. I want to feel better, i want to slash them open and tear out their heart with my bare hands, the way they took mine. i want to kill them the way THEY KILLED ME, except I will be superior in the sense I WILL FINISH THE FUCKING JOB. i want to drag their souls directly and painfully out of their bodies like they did to me.
Deletebut i need to heal first. you really think I could run in there like the fucking mess i am now and get it done? NO SIR. NO I COULD NOT
The line between stoping to recover and hiding from the fight is pretty damn thin, though.
Deleteand you would know this how?
Deleteoh wait
you don't
it's only too thin when you want to see a fucking show
I know because Lovett thought he had time to hide and recover. Funny how that worked out.
Deleteyour fault, not his
DeleteI like to think of it as a team effort.
DeleteThink of it however you want. if you learn one thing about humans, make it this: they're not all the same. Lovett and I have different experiences.
Delete*had
DeleteAnd sure, there're differences, but far more commonalities, I reckon.
doesn't change that Lovett and I are completely different people and different shit happened to us.
Delete*were. Seriously, what'll it take for you to accept that he's dead?
DeleteAnd there are superficial differences, but at the core? I doubt there's that much
you couldn't describe me if you tried.
DeleteThat blondish girl who works at a bar, I could give you the address if you want but it's kind of a dive. She's been raped a couple of times, and she's kind of broken by that. Daddy issues out the wazoo, fairly justified because her dad is an arse, and so was her stepdad. Same basic morals as most people, which kinda fucks her over because she has a bad habit of killing people.
DeleteUhh, she has an interest in the culture and language of Romania because of her mother, although not enough to avoid the Moldovan millitary, so thanks for that, Sanna.
Need I go on?
I'm not that blonde... I would say I'm brunette. Blonde on the inside, maybe.
DeleteI'd appreciate it if you didn't call them "daddy issues". I'd appreciate it a lot.
My mother is Moldovan, not Romanian.
Sure, keep going.
You're somewhat blonde. Blondish.
DeleteAnd you did have issues with your father. Isn't that was the phrase 'daddy issues' was coined for?
And if your mum was Moldovan, you have even less excuse for screwing up on translation.
As for keeping going...
She has either one or two toes missing, She tends to react top bad stuff far, far less as long as it doesn't happen to her, Altyhough when she does act on her conscience it's, ironically enough, because of thoughts for dead people's families.
She's also crazy naive, and possibly a bullet from the Archangel's gun in her. Her eyes are a tad distracting.
Are you kidding? I grew up speaking English... And my mamas family spoke more Russian than Romanian.
DeleteHow the hell are my eyes distracting?
*shrug*
Delete/that was just something I picked up on sharing a headspace with Lovett, don't ask me for the reason behind it.
Well, what do you think? I'm confused.
DeleteMy working theory is that Lovett was fucking weird. Who knows? Maybe he got distracted by eyes or something. Envy or whatever.
DeleteV
Now describe Lovett.
DeleteAs above, albeit with different injuries and family issues. Also, scratch the morals, but that was the product of a lot of hard work.
DeleteAlso a sadomasochist. That, I can only take partial credit for.
When you put letters at the end of comments, is it something else trying to talk?
DeleteYes. These are the last words of Lord Ramsay, the monosyllabic 13th Earl of Dalhousie :)
DeleteSeriously though, I wouldn't read too much into it.
I maintain that Lovett and I were very different. Different enough that I didn't quite know where I stood with him.
DeleteHow do you mean?
DeleteHard to gauge if we were friends at all, or sorta friends, or good friends, or best friends.
DeleteIsn't that what you think of him?
DeleteI meant I had no idea if he secretly hated me.
DeleteWhat gave you that impression?
DeleteWhat you said earlier. But also I was just never sure.
DeleteThe whole 'self-flagellation' thing? right.
DeleteGood for you noticing before. Very insightfil. Good job.
*Insightful
DeleteSpit it out.
DeleteSpit what out?
DeleteYou started a sentence.
DeleteNo, I didn't.
DeleteThen why place a random E somewhere if you ain't gonna do shit with it? Maybe I'll post random letters.
DeleteЖ
…feel free.
DeleteHave you healed your leg yet?
DeleteNah, that'd be a waste of energy. If needs be I can block the pain and keep it functional anyway.
DeleteAre you colourblind? Can you tell what colour my hair is?
DeleteThe way I see colours is pretty fucked up, 'cause of the azoth. Kinda hard to tell which colour is which. I'd say you hair is blueish now, but I'm not sure.
DeleteMy hair looks brown to me. Sorry to make you look at my face.
DeleteNo complaints here :)
DeleteNo complaints about what?
DeleteYour face.
DeleteI have a lot...
DeleteHey, it could be worse. Trust me on that one.
DeleteHang on. Hang on. If Lovetts dead, how do I break this to his girlfriend? I swear he had one.
DeleteI wouldn't worry. Last time they met she stabbed him, I guess she won't be terribly torn up.
DeleteUhh. Why?
DeleteShe thinks he betrayed her, and the other proxies in her group, to the Timberwolves.
DeleteAnd did he?
DeleteNah. But since when has that mattered?
DeleteWhat do you mean?
DeleteI mean Lovett's done some shitty stuff. I've done shitty stuff through him. But the stuff people hate him for tends to be stuff he hasn't done.
DeleteI feel obliged to tell her but last I remember she wants to capture or kill me.
DeleteEmail?
DeleteNo, capture or kill, not email.
Delete-.-
DeleteI meant you can email her. To tell her Lovett's dead.
I don't have her email.
DeleteYou already lost Lovett's laptop?
DeleteOh yeah. I guess I have all his contacts now. Cool.
DeleteAlso, haha; I have the laptop and you don't ;) <3
Yeah, you should probably give me the laptop.
DeleteWhy should I?
DeleteI'm as close as you'll get to Lovett. If that laptop belongs to anyone, it belongs to me.
DeleteI'm not giving it to you.
DeleteI have nothing to lose if I keep it.
DeleteThere's material on that thing people would kill for.
DeleteAll the more reason to keep it!
DeleteI should clarify; There's material on that thing people would kill you for.
DeleteI guessed as much.
DeleteAnd you don't see why keeping it would be a bad thing?
DeleteIf it's so important, I'll keep it.
DeleteDon't see how it's important to you, though. Aren't you still using the 'grace' account, anyway?
DeleteTimberwolves watch me. It's nice to watch them for a change.
DeleteYou little voyeur! ;-)
DeleteUhh. Not like that. They don't watch me like that anyway..... Do they?
DeleteWouldn't that kind of thing be more in your wheelhouse? The entire thing seems weird to me.
DeleteAll this talk about watching people has reminded me, I have to go. No rest for the wicked :).
Goodnight.